The pain is too great for me to contain as the venom spreads. I tried to rip it out and it resulted in the suicide of my inner being. It does not matter at this point as the damage has already been done. The removal of the anguish and the death of my spirit are one in the same. the searing ache tears through my physical body rendering me useless. my inner beauty quickly faded and the lustrous glow of my soul diminished to a faint blush. desolate and alone in my distress.

And As the light goes dim
As my fate turns grim
I wait for you here
Waiting and fading
Just hoping you’ll find me
Or ill find you
In this internal maze
Looking inside and out
Just to find what I am without
I love you so much
But I can’t find you anymore.

I let the darkness take me over.

If spit like luck, you can only seem,
to borrow it, you can’t keep it.
When the wind of change whistles into play
will I blink or flinch away?
The wind of change won’t whistle me away
if I spin my tails and sail.
And sail away, let yesterday become today.

I came to this world with nothing
and i leave with nothing but love
everything else is just borrowed.

I need something for my nerves…

All I can manage is tossing and turning. Because my stomach is upset, my heart is racing. All I can think to do is think. Think about what has happened. What just happened. What will happen. Then I remember why thinking never did me any good.

Because everything is just a constant reminder of you. Now your in my head. And I get lost in your eyes. And its 1am and all I can do is think myself into misery. I think about how to get comfortable On my side, my back, my stomach. Then I remember why I can’t. Because I’m so used to sleeping with someone in my arms. Its 2 am and all I can manage to think about is how safe I felt when I was in your arms listening to your breathing.

I think about the beach.

And how many times we went. I see the waves continually taking sand from the beach. Back and forth. I think about how I continually gave you my everything. But the beach always has more sand, and I’m running out of things to give. Its 3 am and all I can think about is how cold your feet were against mine and how I didnt mind it one bit. I think about when we went on all those drives.

I think about what I was thinking that night.

That night where everything was going so fast outside, and you were doing this same thing. That night where I wished everything would just slow down so I didn’t have to hear the words that had been haunting me. They always haunt me. Its 4am and all I can think about is the sun rise. And how it hit your face that morning, And how it made you painfully beautiful to look at. I think about being bitter. I think about how I’m going to handle this.

I think about being lost.

I think about the good things. I think about the bad things. I think about how you’re handling this. I think about how much this hurts. I think about how I don’t matter anymore. I think about how your still worth it to me. I think about why I still say that.

But its 5am and I have no fucking clue.

You can’t break a man the way you break a dog…or a horse. The harder you beat a man, the taller he stands. To break a man’s will, to break his spirit, you have to break his mind. Men have this idea that we can fight with dignity, that it’s the proper way to kill someone; it’s absurd, it’s inaesthetic.

We needed to endure the bloody horror of murder. You must destroy that idea. Show them what a messy, terrible thing it is to kill a man… and then show them that you relish in it. Shoot the wounded, then execute the wounded; burn them. Take them in close combat, destroy their preconceptions of what a man is, and you become their personal monster.

When they fear you… you become stronger, you become better. But let’s never forget, it’s a display, it’s a posture, like a lion’s roar or a gorilla thumping at his chest. If you lose yourself with display, if you succumb to the horror… then you become the monster. You become reduced. Not more than a man, but less; and it can be fatal.

Thin lines of smoke from roofs rose by
As if with pencils dark were drawn
And webbed their graphite tapers high
To greet the violaceous dawn.
As one by one night’s embers died,
Replaced by early morning’s flame,
The milk-dipped moon, begrudging, sighed
And bowed as up the fair Sun came.
And in these treasured minutes few
As night surrendered to the day;
Before the sky turned jewel-blue
The clouds put on a vain display:
A fantastical drapery
Of silky whites, of gold-laced creams,
Which simmered oh so languorously,
And bathed in sunlight’s honeyed beams.
And as I stopped, and stood in awe
Of this ambrosial morning scene,
I wondered why not many more
For Sunrise would eschew their dreams.

Discernible: her smoke-rimmed eyes
Hold fast pearlescent, woeful tears -
Entrap quixotic thirsts and fears
And in their sullenness disguise
Complexities unknown to those whose sight
Is blinkered and whose passions daren’t ignite.

Blame those who would not pause to weep
At that, there silver-dusted moon;
Or fear to touch sweet Summer’s rose,
Lest premature are petals strewn
Across this shamelessly unpassioned Earth.
Pray ask them how compassion reached such dearth?

Beneath the drip and drip of endless rains
And clouds, a canopy of bitter greys,
Bleak streaks of putrid light, tobacco-stained,
Seep flatly through this evening’s choking haze.
And lie like battered souls across the street,
Beneath the wounded soles of weary feet.

Grim dirt and grime grasp greedy to the skins
Of haggard men, who rasp and sway, forlorn.
Dim liquors dull all thought of darker sins,
As each wet night precedes a wetter morn.
“The Sun’ll shine tomorrow.” People say.
- The very words they muttered yesterday.

I’d like to know how long you lay your head where I lay mine,
Where I now lie you lied, at last our lies are intertwined.
I wonder if you cast your thoughts, as I, across these walls,
And stained their perfect, chalky tones with unseen, bitter scrawls.
I live one life where here I lie; my lies support my strength.
I live another far away, a world of which I’ve dreamt
Of showing you, yet such a hope, with each new day curtails.
My dreams grow weak, your face now blurs, imagination fails
To conjure up new happy days, of ships and far-off lands,
Of laughter, sights and heady scents, and amber-tinted sands.
Tis though my mind is tired of lies, not only yours, but mine,
And to a world of greyest hues I wearily resign:
A world of tears, and children’s cries, low hum of discontent,
And pain, a world kept from my eyes until that day you left.
Confusion reigns beneath these stars, which each day higher rise,
Enslaved by clouds of blackest ink, which taint the Night’s dark skies.
Now blame and hate are wretched things, which I would ne’er assign,
To other’s deeds, least yours my love, my bitterness is mine.
Yet like rich wines that slow turn bad, imaginations sour,
Thus here I lie with conquered heart, beneath this self-made bower.
The darkest tree in my heart grows, and dense my soul surrounds;
Come back, I beg, for you alone could break my darkness down.

With healing pen draw out those bitter lines,
Which skulk and lurk behind my cheerless brow.
Through wretched veins ink seeps like crimson wine,
And velvet tears hushed secrets do endow.
Oh take these salted words from here my lips,
And there do scrawl our black, silentious runes -
Upon the passing sails of ghostly ships:
Where phantom gales may lend our verses tunes.
Where waxen moon will light with argent rays
Our solemn sonnet, and to all reveal,
How offering dark thoughts to Freedom’s waves,
Brings stifled hearts respite and spirits heal.
To those whose eyes a hundred words do hide:
True Love and Art come sole to those who’ve cried.

And now I’m sitting here alone, ad I’m thinking of you both and how he’ll hold you now I’m gone. Or the ones I’ve thrown away, with all the things I couldn’t say like “I am sorry”, “I am wrong”.

And it’s sad but I must say, that I’m better tucked away inside your drawer where I’m not seen. These words are easy written down, I’ll admit that I’m not proud to that this is all I am. And I crucify my brain, every night and everyday over and over and over again. I just wish that you could see, me from the bottom of the sea… even here I have no friends.

I’ve been waiting for a ghost, they say loves me the most but all I see are empty skies. My heart is beating down the stairs, pumping my blood in her chair although it seems like I don’t care. The truth is I feel alone, and I’m sinking like a stone in a house that’s not a home. I think you for it all, although my words seem too small but I could never leave your side.

I’m just sad I hurt the one, who builds me up when I’m undone, I swear I love you, I always will if these are the only words I bring, inside the only song I sing I hope you know it’s all for you. So from an awfully breaking wrong, to a beautifully breaking right, you shine so bright in my eyes.

She was the apple of my eye; I guess all things rot in the time. I hope you never leave my side. And now the sums have had enough, they’re refusing to add up I was a coat that she once wore; now I collect dust on her floor.

The first time i saw you, my heart fell. The second time i saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen. You are the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven’t grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you’re mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you’re tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful. When i see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There’s nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts, no worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you. When you’re gone, the World starts again, and i don’t like it as much. I can live in it, but i don’t like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It’s the best fucking thing i’ve ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why i stare at you.

One of those fucking awful black days
When nothing is pleasing and everything that happens is an excuse for anger
An outlet for emotions stockpiled, an arsenal, an armour
These are the days when I hate the world
Hate the rich, hate the happy, hate the complacent, the TV watchers,
beer drinkers, the satisfied ones
Because I know I can be all of those little hateful things
And then I hate myself for realising that.

There’s no preventative, directive or safe approach for living.
We each know our own fate
We know from our youth how to be treated,
how we’ll be received, how we shall end
These things don’t change
You can change your clothes,
change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents
But sooner or later your own self will always catch up.
Always it waits in the wings
Ideas swirl but don’t stick.
They appear but then run off like rain on the windshield
One of those rainy day car rides my head implodes,
the atmosphere in this car a mirror of my skull
Wet, damp, windows dripping and misted with cold
Walls of grey
Nothing good on the radio
Not a thought in my head
Lets take life and slow it down incredibly slow
Frame by frame
With two minutes that take ten years to live *out*
Yeah, lets do that.

Telephone poles like praying mantis against the sky
Metal arms outstretched
So much land travelled so little sense made of it
It doesn’t mean a thing all this land laid out behind us
I’d like to take off into these woods and get good and lost for a while
I’m disgusted with petty concerns; parking tickets, breakfast specials
Does someone just have to carry this weight?
Abstract typography, methane covenant, linear gospel,
Nashville sales lady,*stygian emissary* ,torturous lice, mad Elizabeth
Chemotherapy bullshit
The light within you shines like a diamond mine
Like an unarmed walrus
Like a dead man face down on the highway
Like a snake eating its own tail, steam turbine, frog pond,
two full closets burst open in disarray
Soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible,
shopping list, blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing,
bleached white buildings, memories, movements
The movie unpeeling, unreeling, about to begin
I’ve seen your hallway, you’re a darn call away
I’ve hear your stairs creak
I can fix my mind on your yes, and on your no
I’ll film your face today in the sparkling canals
All red, yellow, blue, green brilliance and silver Dutch reflection
Racing thoughts, racing thoughts
All too real, you’re moving so fast now I cant hold your image
This image I have of your face by the window,
me standing beside you arm on your shoulder
A catalogue of images, flashing glimpses then gone again
I’m tethered to this post you’ve sunk in me and,
Every clear afternoon now I’ll think of you up in the air twisting your heel,
Your knees up around me, my face in your hair
You scream so well, your smile so loud it still rings in my ears
Inhibition
Distant, tired of longing
Clean my teeth
Stay the course.
Hold the wheel
Steer on to freedom
Open all the boxes
Open all the boxes
Open all the boxes
Open all the boxes
Times Square midday
Newspaper buildings, news headlines going around
You watch as they go, *and hope for some good ones*
Those tree shadows in the park they’re all whispering chasing leaves
Around six pm, shadows across the cobblestones
Girl in front of bathroom mirror as
she slowly and carefully and paints her face green mask like Matisse Portrait with Green Stripe
Long shot through apartment window, a monologue on top but no girl in shot
The light within me shines like a diamond mine
like an unarmed walrus
like a dead man face down on the highway
Like a snake eating its own tail
A steam turbine, frog farm, two full closets burst open in disarray,
soap bubbles in the sun, hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list,
blowjob, deaths head, devils dancing,
bleached white buildings, *memory*, movements
The movie unreeling, about to begin

Loving you tires me, makes me empty inside. Something that looks like laughing when you’re crying. Loving you tires me, Makes me sad. What do you want to do about it, That’s life. It’s life, My life. Love me again, Do it gently. A year, A month, An hour, Passionately, Loving you comforts me during the sleepless white nights. Something that fills old burning stories. Loving you comforts me, Makes me happy. What do you want to do about it, That’s life. It’s life. My life. Love me again, Do it gently. A year, A month, An hour passionately. Love me again, Do it gently. Just for an hour, Passionately.

Within you I lose myself…
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.

“I’m young and I’m hopeless… I’m lost and I know this… I’m going nowhere fast… that’s what they say… I’m troublesome, I’ve fallen… I’m angry at my Father… it’s me against this world and I don’t care.”

It’s hard to answer the question “what’s wrong” when nothings right, and I’ll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.

Some of us are just trying to get through the day without falling apart,
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what’s going on with you. How could anybody realize what’s happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there’s no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it’s all gone.

In reality, I’m slowly losing my mind. Underneath the disguise of smile, gradually I’m dying inside. People ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down.

Like tonight..

Thats probably why I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I’m awake.

Beware the person who has nothing to lose.